I'm Trying
May 25, 2017
It’s 8:27 on a Monday morning, I’m running late (as always). I’ve been woken up by a family member shouting some obscenity at me about how much I take the piss, telling me I’m a waste of space (as always). The days just begun and already I have been made to feel even more useless and worthless than I already did.
It’s now 8:40 and I’m still lying here in bed, trying to sum up the courage to get up and get on with my day. Maybe it would just be easier if I went back to sleep and avoided it all, at least that way nobody else can have the chance to tell me how much of a letdown I am.
9:16 and I have finally dragged myself out of bed, I know I smell but the idea of getting in the shower is not something I can face right now. I know I should brush my teeth but finding the will power to do it is exhausting. I put on a sweatshirt from the pile of dirty laundry on my floor.
At 9:34 my friend texts asking where I am, I’m late as usual. It takes five minutes to even sum up the courage to hold my phone in my hand and reply to her. ‘Bad day’ is all my reply reads, and she understands. She understands that on these days it takes me a little longer to get my head together enough to live my life the way I usually would.
It’s 9:47 when I finally leave the house, I see my family friends across the road and manage a weak smile in response to their hello. Already a hour late to school it has taken over an hour to sum up the courage to leave the house.
By the time I arrive it’s 10:23, I sit down in the common room and wait for my next class. Everyone around me is chatting and talking about their weekends; I’m sat in a corner, away from my friends. Trying not to burst into tears. Watching people socialise as though it is the easiest thing in the world overwhelms me to no end on days like this.
At 11:30 my classes start, I pick up my things and walk to the classroom. Feeling judgmental eyes on me as I leave, knowing that the people I call my friends will be talking about me as soon as I get to class.
It’s 11:50 and I’ve been in class long enough now to know it is definitely one of those days. I’m sitting there and none of the words from my teacher are going in, nothings going down on my page. There’s just a blank sheet in front of me as I desperately grip my pen, praying that I can get something down this lesson.
Finally the end of the school day comes, 3:15. Not one note has been taken all day, but the ink stains on my hand from grasping my pen so tightly are still visible. At least people will think I did work, even if I didn’t.
4:57 and I’m still not home. The profanities that were yelled at me this morning still fresh in my mind. Maybe I really am a waste of space, perhaps I should just stop letting them down so much. I should probably walk home, it’s getting late now.
By the time 6:04 arrives I’m walking through the front door, my family are at dinner and stop momentarily to look at me as I walk in. It scares me how perfectly they work without me in, I don't belong here. I go to my room and attempt to do the essay we have been set.
7:26, apparently you cant do an essay if you made no notes. I desperately ask my friends for theirs, nobody replies.
8:14 and by this point I’ve spent two hours staring at a blank page. It seems to get scarier each time I look at it. Why is a sheet of paper so terrifying to me?
At 9:02 my phone flashes up, a friend has reached out to me. They want to know how I’m doing, how my day was. I don't reply, it’s much too overwhelming to do. I decide to get into bed.
By 10:00 I have scrolled through social media enough times to know my friends are happily living their lives without me playing a prominent role anymore. This scares me. These are the people who promised I could always reach out to them, perhaps I’ve shut myself off too far this time.
It’s 10:29 and I finally reply to my friends text. She reads but doesn't reply, I guess her offer of friendship has expired.
Somehow its 11:13, I’ve been staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour and praying to every god that I know of to be able to cope. That tomorrow will be better for me. It won’t.
11:49 and I finally get some sleep.
Y:ear (X, Y & Z)
May 23, 2017
X
X: the twenty fourth letter of the alphabet, the letter you put at the end of messages to show affection. the thing that i never seem to send unless i'm petty or angry, watch out for my kisses. they're bullets in disguise.
XL: that xl hoodie i always stole was a home for me, it smelt like you and feel as though you were hugging me even when your physical presence was lacking.
X-Ray: i wonder if one of those would be able to show a broken heart in the way they so clearly show broken bones. i wonder how healed mine would be by now.
Y
Yank: i wish i could yank you out of all of my memories in my desperate attempt to erase you from my mind. was it easy for you to do it with me?
Year: it’s a long time, long enough to reinvent myself as a person and come closer to being the person i’m meant to be. a long enough time to stop myself waking up and expecting you to be beside me.
Yell: i wanted to scream at you so loudly for everything you had done, but i couldn't even muster up a single syllable.
Yes: i should have just said yes to you one of those times.
Yesterday: you were in my life, you were still claiming to be in love with me. today you're gone and i would trade every possible tomorrow i hold to be able to relive just one yesterday with you.
Yield: you made me give up all the secrets my heart had kept locked up for so long.
You: there are novels i could write about you, i still have every part of you memorised. from the crook of your neck to the way that you look when you sleep. there are novels worth of messages that we have sent each other, there are messages that i wish i had sent and never did and i bet it’s the same for you too.
Young: i was younger than you and yet i still somehow acted in the most mature manner out of the two of us.
Yours: you left enough marks on me to claim me as yours for eternity. but it turns out you didn't want me for eternity.
Z
Zigzag: i got tired of running in strange patterns to attempt to meet your every word, walking straight out of your life was the best decision for me in the end.
Zealot: we both had our ideas about what we wanted from each other but we had spent so long fascinating about them that when it became time to try and match them up there was nothing that worked properly anymore.
Zero: there’s that song from the Disney version of Hercules called Zero to Hero, for me it’s more like you went from Hero to Zero.
Zeus: i’ve said it before but i need to remember that everyone is human, nobody is an all powerful greek god.
Zip: the one on your hoodie was broken since the day i stole it, but i still tried to do it up when the cold struck me despite knowing that it wouldn't work. i guess thats how i act in relationships, i can see they're broken but i keep desperately trying to keep it together anyway.
Zodiac: at what point in my life will i learn my lesson about how bad aries boys are for me.
Zoom: i would zoom in purely on you because of all the things i could take photos of, you were the one i wanted to capture and keep forever.
Wake: after funerals people attend the wake to comfort each other on the loss of the person, but i’m the only one who lost you that day and so as i stood alone in the room i realised that i was the only one who was going to be able to fix my heart.
Wait: i would have waited a thousand years, lived a hundred different lives if it meant i would have ended up with you in my life again.
Walk: as a child learning to walk is one of the biggest difficulties, people cant just point at you and tell you to walk. you have no idea how it works, how your legs are supposed to move and cant support yourself to even stand up properly. it’s one of those things that nobody seems to be able to teach you, you have to teach yourself. that’s the way it works with heartbreak too, you can have as much support as humanly possible but without you working hard to change yourself there is no way it can happen.
Wallpaper: there was always that photo of us smiling as your phone wallpaper, the day i discovered it wasn't your wallpaper anymore was the day i realised you didn't love me anymore.
Wanderer: i went wandering from person to person until i found you, but you carried on wandering. i wasn't meant for you in the way you were for me.
Wanderlust: you were there in all of my travel plans, now you're missing from them. it looks like i'm going to see the world on my own.
Want: you were all i wanted for months on end, when i had you everything felt like it had completely fallen into place.
Weakness: you were mine.
Week: i could have spent all week with you but the moment you dropped me home i would have immediately missed you. how is it that the more time i spent with you the more i ended up missing you?
Weapon: your tongue seemed to be your best one.
Wear: it was strange to fall asleep in shirts that weren't yours, i got used to it eventually though.
Weary: at this point i am more emotionally and physically exhausted than anything else.
Wise: people keep telling me that i’m wise beyond my years, i guess when you get treated like shit by those you love you end up learning a few inevitable life lessons before it was planned for you to learn them.
Wish: 11:11 is the stereotypical time that people seem to make their deepest wishes. i used to wish for you more than i would like to admit, the wish was the same for nearly a year. but now all i can wish for is happiness, something that i need to find without you in my life.
Witness: i couldn't believe that i was watching the person i loved so much turn into someone that i no longer wanted anything to do with.
Wonder: no matter what terms i leave someone on, i always find myself cheering them on from the sidelines. wondering how they're doing and hoping they’re making something of themselves. praying that they've moved on from the person that they've embedded themselves as within my memory - people grow and change and i hope those that i used to care about have changed as much as i have since we parted ways.
Wonder (2.0): do you think of me too?
Words: i am slowly running out of similes and metaphors to describe the state you left me in.
Worse: stop telling me that other people have it worse off, i know they do. but this is the worst possible situation for me at this point in my life and the moment you begin to belittle my struggles is the moment i stop talking about them and turning to the unhealthy coping mechanisms that i have picked up.
Worship: i think i might start going to church again. i will try not to pray for you, but simply happiness. i hope that the lords plan will at least bring me that.
Writing: it was in 500 days of summer that i learnt the best way to get over someone is to write and so this is what i have been doing. every memory that i write down has been resurrected and then set in stone within my writing. i am slowly finding peace. it is going to take more than writing to do this though. but at least this keeps me distracted and stops me still desperately messaging you at 3am.
V:icarious
May 22, 2017
Vacant: there was always a look of absence in your eyes, as though you felt like you belonged elsewhere.
Vagaries: your silence ate me alive.
Van-Gogh: ‘most often i am the one offering up some unwanted mess of myself and calling it a gift. on the worst days, to be manic depressive is to stand on ground that can’t promise to stay beneath you. it is to be both violent and victim, both the knife and flesh that welcomed it in. and so often in these poems, in a lovers bed, at my mothers kitchen table i offer up the truth of this illness and watch the people i love pull themselves away from me. i am chaos, i am a barely hidden bar fight and i know exactly how many people believe that makes me impossible to love. there are days i believe it too.’ - Clementine Von Radics, Patron Saint of Manic Depressives
he used to eat yellow paint, not to make himself happy like all those tumblr blogs have decided to romanticise the idea of. but to poison himself, because the chemicals in that paint were slowly rotting his insides away with every particle that he consumed. i guess this is what i have been doing with alcohol and smoking, there are over seventy substances in cigarettes that are known to lead to death and yet i keep inhaling their smoke and inevitably slowly killing myself in turn. when he shot himself it is said that he turned to his brother theo and asked not to be saved because he would only have to try to do it again, this is what i have been saying to those who are desperately trying to save me at this point. the only difference between me and him is that he died after four days of suffering from the bullet wound and i'm still standing four weeks after the bullet hit me.
Vain: i started posting more photos once we were over to remind you of what you lost. it probably just made me look like a vain idiot.
Vibrant: life with you in seemed a little brighter, as though you turned on a light i didn't know existed every time you were present.
Vicarious: to live a half life in constant worry and fear while living through others instead of yourself, really isn't a life at all.
Victim: maybe i should stop playing the victim card and get on with my life, god knows you moved on with yours ridiculously quick.
Victorious: perhaps, after all of this i am the real winner. i am the one who used it all to realise who i was and the worth i hold.
Video: sometimes when i really miss your voice i go back and watch your youtube videos, they're a comforting reminder of who you were.
Violent: i’m not usually one for violence but i would happily slap you round the face if i could reach.
Virtue: listening to me as i cried down the phone and holding me as i sobbed at 2am seemed to be when you showed me how patient and loving you could be.
Virtual: real life isn't one of those fucking video games you are so obsessed with, stop acting like you can control everyone with the push of a button.
Visual: i saw it all, don't even try and deny you didn't do it when we both know full well you did. you cant pull a trigger and act as though someone else shot you when you were the only goddamn person in the room that was there to do it.
Voice: and i can’t help but wonder why your voice didn't even break as you said those words, mine did as i tried to speak afterwards. perhaps breaking peoples hearts is a second nature for you, or perhaps you had ben rehearsing your lines long before you put them on stage.
Voice-Mail: i keep the one you left me, just incase i ever feel a need to remember what it was like to have someone love me in the way you did.
Void: since it ended there has been a void in my stomach eating me alive, making me feel emptier by the day. i’m not sure how to fill it, i’ve tried writing and books, i’ve tried smoking and drinking, i’ve tried friends but nobody means quite as much to me as you.
Voluble: whenever you felt awkward you would start talking, saying abundances of things that nobody cared for but listened to anyway. in the end if began to feel like background noise, a comforting buzzing sound that would eventually be shut off as i pressed my lips to yours.
U:rge
May 21, 2017
Ultimatum: i told you that you could have all of me or i'm gone. you didn't want all of me and so i summed up all my courage and left.
Ululate: i cried so much that night, i don't think
i've ever sobbed harder. i wonder if you knew what you had done to me as you
hung up the phone and went to sleep.
Um: your utterances were never full,
everything had a filler in place to give you thinking time but why did you even
have to think about what you wanted from me. it had been five months you should
have made up your fucking mind by then.
Umbrella: honestly, i don't tend to leave the house
and so i never saw much point in owning one of these. but when you left me and
the storm of my life begun to pummel against me even harder than i could handle
i reached for an umbrella and discovered an empty space instead of the object i
desperately needed for protection. the friends that leant me theirs, offered me
a hand to hold and shoulder to cry on as i grieved you quickly became my
shelters.
Umpteenth: i lost count of the amount of times you
made me feel small.
Unabridged: everything i said to you, i meant. our
messages, our conversations, our very being was the unabridged version of us.
no matter how hard i try to recall it all there will always be some parts that
are abridged.
Unachievable: i used to think happiness was unachievable
but it turns out the thing that was holding me back from it was you.
Unapologetically: you didn't even apologise for the god
knows how many other girls you had been speaking to. do you even understand
what you did wrong?
Understand: you didn't seem to understand how broken i
was until it was too late for you to leave without breaking me even further.
Unfair: perhaps the way that we ended was unfair
but it helped to shape me and gave me the strength to reach out for help in
places i never would have done beforehand.
Us: i don’t recall ‘us’ ever existing, just
two people who liked each other and had a good thing going for a little while.
Urge: fighting the urge to message you in the
first few days was so hard, every dog i saw i wanted to send you photos of,
every stupid dad joke i heard i wanted to share with you. slowly i learnt to
find other people who appreciate them too, and while they still remind me of
you i am also grateful enough that those times are so sparse in comparison to
the time spent thinking about anything other than you.
Utmost: you were a person of utmost importance
within my story, now you're gone and have been replaced by other people of
importance.
T:race
May 20, 2017
Tall: i’m only 5ft, maybe that’s why i laughed so much when you told me to grow up.
Tactile: pull me in closer, hold me in your arms
one last time. even if you don't mean it.
Tattoo: i think mine out for years and months
before getting them done, you walk into the parlour and make up your mind there
and then. that’s the perfect way of explaining us as people.
Teachers: there are some lessons that school and
teachers just can’t provide you with. or maybe i was just skipping school to
spend time you on the day they taught them.
Today: i am the person i am today because of you.
Tomorrow: i will wake up in my own bed and you will
wake up in yours, we will get on with our lives the best we can without playing
a part in each other’s anymore.
Tough: my skins not as thick as it seems, please
be careful with me.
Touch: there’s something so innocent and sweet
about touching someone’s face to move their hair away from their eyes. there’s
nothing innocent or sweet about the way you used to touch me.
T-Shirt: i’m sorry i kept that grey t-shirt that
you were always secretly annoyed at me for stealing in the first place when i
returned your things. i know it was one of your favourites, i just wanted to
keep a part of you in my life seeing as i couldn't have you in it anymore.
Time: i know that time heals all but if it could
speed up that would be great because it has been nearly a month and i still
reach for my phone to text you as soon as i wake up.
Tight: i finally understood why babies grasp
peoples fingers so tightly the day he let go of my hand and never looked back.
Trace: i had never felt as content as i did when
i was tracing the ink on your skin, the swirls were so therapeutic. now i have
nothing to trace other than the scars you left on my heart and the cuts on my
left arm.
Trade: i’ll tell you my secrets if you tell me
yours.
Transgression: me liking you wasn't supposed to happen,
it ruined so many things. but with you in my life thats all that mattered to
me. i didn't care how many rules i broke when it came to being able to hold you
in my arms and falling asleep with you beside me.
Tradition: time honours tradition.
Train: i go on these so much you told me to start
driving instead, but there’s something comforting about pulling into a station
and watching people get on and off. watching people get on with their lives and
wondering what has happened to them and what their life story is. maybe i’m
weird for that but it’s comforting in some sense.
Tragic: and like all tragedies, our story met its
cruel end.
Treacle: when you left i felt like i was suck in a
pool of treacle, unable to move on properly. that’s why i have been writing so
much, helping myself to move on when i am struggling.
Trick: let me show you a trick, hold your breath
and count to three. i can make you fall in love with me. i can play games and
not tell you how i feel until you get tired and i decide i want you too. but
it’s too late, you're already onto your next chase while i’m searching for a
new magicians assistant.
Trying: thank you for even trying to love me,
that’s all that i could ever ask of you.
Turn: aren't you supposed to take turns when
talking and not have a shitty yelling match where i desperately attempt to make
my voice heard over yours?
S:and
May 19, 2017
Sad: honestly, this word doesn't describe how i felt when you left me. there are no words in the dictionary that could describe that. but it does describe how i feel looking back on us now, a year is a good healer.
Sand: once an idea plants itself in your mind it
takes more effort than you would like to admit to even begin remove it from its
root. it’s the same with sand grains in between your toes, you will be finding
them in your bed for weeks on end after one trip to the beach.
Scared: the thought of a life without you in used
to terrify me, and now it has become my reality. i am so scared to wake up in
the morning and be met with the harsh reminder that you won't be there.
Scratches: i didn't leave those on your back; i
hadn't slept with you in two weeks. i stayed up until 4am while you slept
soundly beside me as i was trying to work out why you'd acted like this, who
you had gone to, and why i wasn't good enough; yet i still failed to
understand.
Seaside: you got annoyed when i told you i was
going to the seaside with my friends instead of you. it’s not my fault i
couldn't come out for your two am trips unless i was already with you.
Secrets: even though we’ve parted ways i will never
tell anyone else the things you told me when we were together, i respect you
enough for that to stay true. i hope this is the same with you.
Seventeen: i am only seventeen; i have so much more
to learn than i would like to think. it turned out that you were a lesson in
the form of my second heartbreak.
Shakespeare: you never did understand my love for him
and his writing, you thought a dead man’s plays were as dead as him, useless
and unneeded in todays society. but i lived for them.
‘these violent
delights have violent ends’ - i should have listened to him more than i
listened to you.
Sheltered: i lived a sheltered childhood, my parents
were always honest with me when i asked questions but for the most part i was
sheltered and hidden from the harsh reality of the world. it is only recently
that i am becoming angry about this, i know they did it out of the good of
their own hearts but perhaps i wouldn't have been so naive had i not been as
sheltered as i was.
Side: i was drunk and in your room for the first
time as you told me that the left side was ‘your side’ of the bed, yet as you
saw my sulking face start to appear you quickly offered the left side to me. i
didn't want it, i just wanted to be awkward and annoying.
Skip: i skipped
so many classes and days of school just to be able to lay in bed and watch
Harry Potter with you.
Sleep: it’s overrated to do on your own once
you've got a taste of doing it with someone.
Smile: every time you smiled a little too wide,
or laughed a little too loud, you would tilt your head back and bite your lip.
you didn't think i noticed to begin with but when i pointed it out as one of
the things i loved about you as a person you realised how much attention i paid
to the minute details of things.
Smoke: people used to use smoke as a way of
sending signals to other people. i guess as i started smoking more i was trying
to send you a signal that i was breaking. all you did was feed that addiction
in the end.
Somebody: everyone says that i will end up finding
happiness with somebody else but i don't think i want to find somebody else. i
guess you're happier with her though and when all i ever wanted was for you to
be happy i guess i should be glad one of us is.
Soap: sometimes i debate washing out my mouth to
remove the taste of you from me.
Sorry: maybe if i say it enough times you will
come back to me.
Speed-dial: i don't even use it but i know you're
supposed to have the people you care about on it, thats why you were on mine. i
finally took you off of it today.
Stay: you always said you wanted me to stay at
yours forever, i would always tell you i can never promise you forever. but as
much as forever as was possible.
Stop: when did you stop loving me? when did i
stop being enough for you?
Strength: it took everything i had to walk away. it
takes everything i have not to call you and tell you i still love you. i didn't
know my own strength until i left you.
Stone: my hearts tuning to stone, i'm forgetting
what it feels like to give love and be loved.
Succeed: somehow you succeeded at making me feel
like i was guilty for the way you had treated me, as though i was the one who
had lead you to act in the way that you did. maybe you should learn to own up
to your actions for once in your goddamn life.
Sunlight: i loved you more than the first ray of
sunlight over the ocean in the morning, i loved you more than the wind blowing
between the pine trees.
Sure: i never say anything unless i am sure of
it, that’s why it took me so long to tell you i loved you. that’s why i never
confronted you about the other girls, i had convinced myself so strongly that
it wasn't the truth that even i began to become unsure.
Surreal: i’m still struggling to get to grips of
the concept of a life without you in.
R:earrange
May 18, 2017
Radiate: the people that i have surrounded myself in the wake of this mess radiate love, they radiate happiness and joy. they remind me that it is possible to feel okay.
Ramble: i could talk for england, i could write
for england too, to be quite honest i could probably write more than i could
talk. but i guess these things kind of come hand in hand in some way or
another.
Real: i love you. real.
you love me. not real.
Rearrange: picking up the pieces of my life and
putting them together in a new order, trying to make the most out of what i
have left.
Relapse: you weren't there for me when it all came
crashing down.
Release: our skype calls used to consist heavily of
you playing me music you were working on and me telling you how much i loved it
all. you're releasing new music to the world soon. i can’t wait to hear it. i’m
still here rooting for you, after all this time.
Religion: i got down on my knees for you more than i
ever have in a place of worship.
Remark: those subtle but cruel remarks you would
make still stick with me. as i sit and do my eyeshadow in the morning i
remember you telling me that smokey eyes make it look like someone had given me
a black eye. as i curl my hair i hear you telling me how pointless it is to do.
as i take another shot i see you rolling your eyes disapprovingly and remember
how much you hated me drunk. everything you said to me stuck with me and has
stayed with me even after you left.
Return: a year on and you are back in my life, i
still think i love you a little. but as a friend. i’m glad you're back in my
life, i missed your accent and weird little habits.
Rip: did you realise you were ripping my heart
out or did it only occur to you once it was dripping with blood in your hand.
Road: maybe if i just lay in the middle of the
road the ongoing traffic will hit me and give me some visible injuries to show
people how broken i really am.
Robotic: you were about as emotionless and stiff as
a robot at times, i got tired of having to walk on egg shells, never knowing
what you really felt or whether my comments would start a war.
Roll-ups: the fact that i can’t roll to save my life
always made you laugh.
Root: i planted myself in your garden but didn't
have enough time for my roots to settle before you decided to rip me out for
renovations.
Rough: i’m the kind of person that loves rough
drafts of things by anyone other than myself. i love the product before the
final product, i love watching things come together. i prefer the stripped back
acoustic versions of songs, the ones where there is just a pure voice. the
rawness of someone pouring their hearts into something compared to the edited,
refined version that the world ends up seeing. i guess thats why i loved you,
you were the walking, talking embodiment of a rough daft.
Rude: please don't use that tone with me.
Run: i ran for my life once i realised how
toxic you were, now i'm running from anyone who shows me affection in the fear
they will treat me like you did.
Rust: when you leave metal out in the rain it
begins to rust, when you leave me out in the rain i grow in anger. don't shut
me out, let me in.
Q:uiet
May 17, 2017
Quarrel: we bickered like children over the stupidest of things, we both knew we were only joking but everyone always got so stressed out by our petty arguments.
Queen: treat me like i am everything to you or
don't have me at all.
Questions: i have so many things that i would ask you
if i could, these questions are eating me alive. maybe you could answer them
someday but i think its best if i keep them to myself for now, i’m much too fragile
to deal with the truth at this point in time.
Quick-fire: the words from your mouth were like
bullets in the middle of a showdown. except i had long since run out of bullets
and you had somehow got a constant supply. each of your words were knocking me
senseless.
Quiet: you went quiet a lot, that was your
introverted side coming out. i learnt to accept that. but there were times when
you went quiet that i needed you more than ever, i will never forgive you for
leaving me to sob on my bathroom floor the night i tried to kill myself as you
carried on talking to those other girls.
Quote: when i was younger i decided to fill a
whole notebook with ‘cool’ quotes that had found and liked, i thought i was so
edgy when i put in the famous quote from the perks of being a wallflower.
reading it back now i guess it is true, we really do accept the love we think
we deserve.
P:rayer
May 16, 2017
Peace: here’s my peace offering to you. please accept it, it’s the only part of me that you haven't already taken.
Petals: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me,
he loves me not, he loved me, he loves me not.
Perfect: you weren't perfect, but you were mine.
Perfume: i decided to wear a different perfume one
day and the first thing that you said when i got in your car was that i smelt
different. i didn't think you would notice that much, but apparently you did.
throughout the course of the day you grew accustomed to the scent of it,
pulling me in closer just to get a hit.
Peroxide: sometimes i think of you as the peroxide
that you put into your hair to get it to those obscene colours, it burns and
kills every single purity it touches. much like you do.
Photos: i still can’t bring myself to delete the
photos of you and i from my phone, maybe i will someday but not yet. they will
stay on there with our messages until i am fully able to free myself from you.
Pizza: the night i messaged you crying and you
offered to buy me pizza still holds a place in my heart. you knew how to try
and make things better for me, i loved our friendship more than anything.
Plan: i know got has a plan and that in the
grand scheme of things all of this pain is probably to shape me into the person
he wants me to be but i can’t help but wonder whether he's got confused with
me. because all i’m doing is struggling and he doesn't seem to be sending any
help my way.
Playlist: i know you don't care anymore but i made
you a playlist of songs i would have played for you if i had got the chance.
Please: learn your manners, maybe you'll actually
get what you want that way.
Poetry: i haven't written any since i left you, my
journal is tucked away incase i feel a need to but right now i am trying my
best to immerse myself in life.
Popcorn: the first time i came over to yours i
poured a bowl of popcorn over your head as a joke, we were still finding parts
of the corn pieces in your room three months later.
Practice: ‘i mean, you're okay at that. you could do
with some more practice though.’
Prank: you're nineteen, stop acting like you're
seven.
Prayer: i’ve prayed for you more times than i
would like to admit, i've prayed that you will come back and i’ve prayed that i
can get through this. every prayer leads back to you.
Pretend: sometimes i like to pretend that nothing
even happened between us, that is until someone asks me how you are and i have
to respond that i don't know. i guess not everyone talks as much when things
end as they do when things begin.
Pretty: this is how you used to make me feel.
Pride: every ounce of self respect and dignity i
had was burnt by you.
Prom: i never planned to take you, perhaps i
never actually saw you in my future. or perhaps i was just so intent on being
independent and my own person that i forgot that you might have wanted to come
too.
Punctuation: it really does change everything, you put
more full stops than ever in our last few messages. they felt more like bullets
than anything.
Push: you pushed me to be the best person that i
could be, you made me want to wake up in the morning and for that i will be
forever thankful.
O:mniscient
May 15, 2017
Oath: me telling you i loved you was mine.
Obliterate: these memories are painful, i want to
obliterate them from my mind and so i am desperately trying to make new ones to
replace the ones we shared.
Oblivious: you thought you were being smart and that
i had no clue about you talking to other girls but i knew. i was just far too
scared to lose you to even think about questioning you about it.
Ocean: watching the waves crash in and out and
realising that even they are controlled by something makes me realise how
dependant things are upon each other. it makes me less angry at myself for
becoming so dependent upon you.
Official: ‘why aren't you two together yet?’
‘i think she’s scared of
commitment.’
Ohio: i want to visit there; i thought i could
do it with you. turns out you won’t be partaking in that trip anymore.
Old: sometimes i read back my old journal
entries about you just to remind myself that it wasn't bad all the time, there
were times of happiness.
Older: guys are generally less mature than girls
and so i always tend to go for older guys in an attempts to have the same
maturity level as them. apparently i should start aiming older because a year
or two doesn't make much difference.
Omniscient: everybody else seemed to know more than i
did and by the time i had caught onto the twisted plot of the story it was far
too late to run away without being caught by the flames of the fire that you
had started.
One-way: ‘thats a one way road you idiot!’
‘it only counts if there are cars coming
the other way though.’
Only: was it too much for me to ask for you to
only talk to one girl?
Open: there was one night we were lying in pitch
black, you arms were around me and for some reason i asked about your mother. i
think that’s probably the only time you were ever completely open with me about
your life.
Orbit: it’s almost as though you were the sun and
i was orbiting you but i somehow fell out of sync and now i’m desperately
trying to fall back into place but you're much too far ahead in your life for
that to happen.
Overthink: you told me to stop overthinking so much
but somehow that in itself lead me to overthink even more than i already had
been. i do it a lot though, i’ll be honest here. i overthink about my hair and
i overthink about what people think about me as a person. i overthink about the
route my bus takes home and i overthink about the way you held me in your arms
that night (it was strangely different to usual). but the one thing that i never
over thought were my feelings towards you.
Ouch: the feeling of pulling off a plaster from
an injury that you have had on for a little too long, it’s relieving but also
painful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Social Icons