a years worth of journal entries
July 24, 2017
22/09/16 - your love is like the last bits of liquid at the bottom of a bottle; not quite attainable. and yet, i still find myself trying to get to it. the only difference between the two is that i eventually learn my lesson with the drink, and yet i still seem to keep going back to you. i haven't yet learnt my lesson when it comes to your love.
25/09/16 - i hope that through writing, and reading, and art i can get through this rough patch without anymore battle scars.
30/09/16 - should i tell you that i miss you?
08/10/16 - nostalgia is hitting me in waves tonight. hopefully tomorrow will be an easier journey.
11/10/16 - each word hitting me, leaving me a weak mess.
30/10/16 - she deserves so much more, so much better than she gets.
13/11/16 - why did he tell me?
15/11/16 - i give so much of myself to others that there is hardly any of me left once the person leaves me.
22/11/16 - oh fuck, i think i still like him.
25/11/16 - i do.
30/11/16 - maybe we can be friends again when i stop hearing your voice in every lyric i’ve ever loved; and maybe we can be friends again when three am’s looming presence doesn't feel as empty without you.
07/12/16 - i don’t want to be the bitch that ruins things in pursuit of my own happiness, but i have a feeling i will.
13/12/16 - maybe i am a terrible person or maybe i just want you to be happy, and in my own bitter way i am discovering that i make you happier than her.
18/12/16 - everything has changed so much. it is the safest and most wonderful thing being wrapped in the arms of somebody that you care about.
31/12/16 - i don’t want to make people my happiness because they will always leave in some way.
05/01/17 - traces of your lips still present on my skin, hold me hostage to you.
30/01/17 - every dark hour only has sixty minutes.
07/02/17 - i’m sorry that you constantly have to deal with me saying i want to die and being selfish and hurting everyone around me, i really am.
25/02/17 - there is nothing like waking up in the arms of the person you love.
14/03/17 - i hate myself because i can't trust him.
19/03/17 - i shouldn't have read his journal.
30/03/17 - everything is slowly falling apart around me.
03/04/17 - i am slowly starting to realise that the homes that i make into people are not really homes - they aren't permanent. they are more like pop up tents.
26/04/17 - i'm terrified that everything he ever said to me was a lie, that every conversation wa carefully structured and manipulated to get what he wanted from me.
15/05/17 - as much as i had a feeling about it i didn't want to believe it.
17/05/17 - i love my friends more than anything
19/05/17 - i don’t want to be here forever, i want to be as far away from here as possible.
20/05/17 - am i supposed to have forgotten the way that you would always laugh a little too loud for a little too long?
30/05/17 - at this point i will take whatever i can get.
08/06/17 - it's been two months and i hate sleeping alone still.
A Reflection On My Resolutions
July 21, 2017
Considering we are well over halfway through the year now I thought it would be a good time to reflect upon the resolutions that I created back in January and see how many of them I have achieved, and how many I can see myself achieving in the upcoming year.
I’m going to take the template from the original post, put it here and just add comments and thoughts around it to explain how I have or haven't achieved them thus far.
This Year I Will:
Begin to travel more. I intend to go and see a lot of my friends that live across the country and also see my mum more. For me, I think this has been achieved, I have travelled to Salisbury to stay with one of my wonderful best friends, I have seen my mum regularly and completely rebuilt my relationship with her. Within the rest of the year I hope to see more of the people I don't always get to see, but so far this has been an achievable resolution.
Learn to drive, I guess this will help with my traveling and also means I will have to stop getting the bus everywhere. Okay, so what with quitting my job and not having any income I haven’t been able to learn to drive just yet (I never even realised how much it would cost!!!) but I am employed again so hopefully I can get my shit together and learn to drive.
Help the people I love when they need it, becoming more selfless is something that I really need. I would like to think I have always helped the people that I know are struggling, however this year I feel as though I defiantly have done this even more. Running to my friends aid with pizza and hugs whenever is needed has become my staple way of comforting friends who need it.
Go to more gigs (not that I needed to make that a resolution, we all know I will do it anyway). Oh no, oh no, oh no, this is the one that I have failed at the most. Last year was jam packed with gigs, I was up in London at least twice a month seeing someone new, while this year is pretty sparse. Can some good bands please release some dates before I end up only seeing With Confidence three times this year!
Organize to see the people I love more often, this year went by without me seeing my mum and brothers due to the hectic-ness that was going on, however I want to see them as much as possible. This is the one that I had done the most of, I have been at my mums so much. I have surprised Canadians, I have spent days with new friends and old friends. I have seen family that I hadn't seen in years, it has been lovely.
Teach myself a foreign language (or at least try??). I don’t think I had time to do this in amongst my A Level revision, although Wuthering Heights felt like a foreign language in itself.
Enjoy things more, start living in the moment and stop worrying about the consequences of things so much. Ever the worrier me, I have begun to try to just live. I think it’s going well so far.
Read more poetry and generally expand my poetry book collection, as well as reading the Kurt Cobain journal book which I have been dying to read for the longest time. My poetry collection has definitely expanded, however when it comes to reading Kurt’s journals that goal is still unreached.
Create more, in general just create. I am going to write more and paint more and take more photos and do more sketches and pour my heart into creating - this is going to be the year of my art. I’ve created a blog series, I’ve done so many photography jobs, I’ve written poetry for myself and others. It’s going good so far.
Give thought out and heartfelt gifts, I am going to stop worrying about how much things 'cost' and show the people I love that I care about them. I know gifts aren't everything but when you have a job it is nice to be able to show the people you love that all they do doesn't go unnoticed. I have and I haven’t, but for those I have done they have been so thought out and given with love.
Prepare for uni, although I am taking a gap year I want to be prepared for when I go. I'm going to start saving money so I don't have to fall back on my student loan as much as I may need to. New job = time to start doing this.
Inspire others - hopefully, at least. I hope I have so far.
london pride 2017
July 11, 2017
this year i had the chance to go and experience one of my first ever pride celebrations, it was full of love and life and laughter. instead of my usual posts i thought i would share a few snaps from the day, i hope you like them.
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