eighteen years
June 30, 2017
This is a post for the year I turn eighteen, this is a post looking back on what I have learnt over the past eighteen years.
One - Fall in love, fall deeply and messily in love. feel what you feel and relish in it. Don’t regret falling even when things turn sour with the person. There was a reason you loved them when you did.
Two - Cherish your friendships, although it is unlikely that at 26 all of these people are going to be in your life still having them there now is important. Make memories and live.
Three - Time heals all. Months from now you won't even be able to remember the name of the person who called you a bitch or broke your heart. Give everything time, it really does get better.
Four - Sitting and watching sunsets is the most calming thing. Sit on your roof and watch the sky turn from blue to pink to orange and yellow and back to blue but this time deeper. Sit with your friends at the beach and laugh and drink as the sun goes down. Drive to places you know the sun will be pretty at and sit and watch.
Five - Writing and poems fix a broken heart more than anything else. Pour your heart out, make it raw and real. Don't care what other people say about your work. It is yours; not theirs.
Six - Stop regretting things. There’s a reason that everything happens but I can assure you that reason is not for regret.
Seven - Gigs are incredible. Everyone is there for a different reason, but at the same time they are there for the same reason. Go to as many as possible. Mosh. Dance. Cry. Sing your heart out.
Eight - You can never take too many photos. Sunsets deserve to be captured. As do your friends when they are looking pretty. So does everything else in this world. Find the beauty in it and capture it.
Nine- The city is where I am meant to be. The energy that I get as I pull into central London on the train is unlike anything else. The city is my home. It's only a year and a bit until I move there, a year and a bit until I’m home for good.
Ten - As important as education is, don't forget to live. If things don't go the way you planned there is always, always a different path you can take. Do your best, that is all anyone can ever ask of you.
Eleven - Stop living in the past and future. Live for now. Stop worrying about what you said a week ago and think about what you're doing now.
Twelve - You can never own too many sweaters.
Thirteen - Sometimes you find yourself drifting away from the people you thought would always have a role in your life, stop trying to cling onto them. Just let the universe work its magic. If things are meant to be then they are meant to be.
Fourteen - Do the thing that's scaring you, do the stupid thing. Make memories that you can look back on and laugh your heart out over with people. Live.
Fifteen - Don't pretend to be something you're not for the sake of having people care about you enough to feel relevant. Be you, stay true to what you believe in. Never kiss a tory boy again.
Sixteen - Differently to what else I have mentioned in this post it is also important to stop looking at everything as a sign, not everything has some big bold meaning behind it sometimes things just happen. Remember that too.
Seventeen - The true determination of friendship isn't about how much time you spend together but how you spend your time together.
Eighteen - Nothing beats driving around screaming along to the songs you love with your best friends.
Songs That Shaped Me
June 24, 2017
music is something that i hold such a deep love for, meaning that i hold certain songs immensely close to my heart. in this post i thought i would share a few of the ones that have shaped me as a person and ultimately lead me to be who i am today.
fix you - coldplay. this wouldn't be a post by me without a mention to this song, the one that has been a constant source of safety for about twelve years now. everyone has their reasons behind loving this song and everyone's reasons are valid and beautiful. it holds so much meaning to me, so much love and power. i remember being in an assembly in year 3 and it coming on and just singing along while crying, ten years on in year 13 i was sat watching ariana grande’s benefit concert and seeing them preform it live and sobbing and singing along in the exact same way my seven year old self did.
102 - matty healy. this was, and honestly still is, a song that i relate to one of my ‘exes’ but the importance it holds to me will never lessen. there’s a lyric/verse in it that goes ‘on this shirt i found your smell and i just sat there for ages contemplating what to do with myself’ and it just reminds me of everything that heartbreak entails. it reminds me of sitting in my exes shirt and sobbing on the floor, it reminds me of my him playing it for me on his guitar that i swear he loved more than me. it reminds me of the mess of 2016 but also the joy of that year brought with it. this song holds immense importance to me. most people make wishes at 11:11, but i make mine at 1:02am.
long live - taylor swift. picking one taylor song out of all of my favourites was fucking hard, but this is the one that i seem to come back to time and time again. the song that as i finished my education and breathed a final sigh of relief i found myself thinking of. all of taylor’s lyrics are real and true and wonderful. i love this woman. (honourable mentions go to i almost do, last kiss, dear john, sad beautiful tragic, and tim mcgraw)
goodnight moon - go radio. i don't know what to say about this song other than it's the cutest shit ever and made me want to love in the way thats described here. go listen.
guns for hands - twenty øne piløts. i still remember hearing this song properly for the first time, it was the one that lead me to adore this band in the way that i do. this was the song that made me feel safe and less alone for the longest time, the lyrics (as with every tøp song) are so real, so raw and so honest. even if you don’t particularly like the band please give this song a chance.
nightingale - demi lovato. the general basis behind this song is demi’s friend took his life when she was younger, she feels his presence everywhere and it is ultimately about the love she felt for him. yet for me this song gave me inspiration again, it was the song i forced myself to learn on piano for hours on end despite my dad's constant pleas for me to stop making such a racket at 3am, it was the song that brought love into my heart again and it somehow made me feel more normal and okay. for anyone who's lost anyone, whether it be through death or even heartbreak i can almost guarantee that this song will resonate within you.
stephen - brayton bowman. as far as i can remember i found this through tyler oakley and it the breakup song of all breakup songs. listen to the fucking lyrics and listen hard.
small hands - keaton henson. this man, holy shit this man. he is everything to me. he is the music i turn to when my heart needs healing and he always seems to create new music when my heart is in need of this. if this song isn’t one of your favourites then you're doing life wrong.
razor - foo fighters. another song i relate to an ex, another song that breaks me wholeheartedly. i went through a phase of listening to this song on repeat for hours a few summers back, it made me feel so calm and reminded me i was alive.
friends - ed sheeran. i promised myself i wouldn't put ed on this playlist and make it like every other playlist i’ve created but i guess there’s a reason he’s on so many of my playlists. this song is everything to me, it hits home in ways i didn't even think a song could.
isabel - the wombats. if you know why, you know why.
the boy who blocked his own shot - brand new. some real emo shit here, everything about this song is wonderful and the atmosphere it creates is almost haunting. this band has the ability to make me feel nostalgia for things that haven't even happened to me. that’s talent right there.
Getting Through Heartbreak 101
June 16, 2017
Going from having someone that you can
turn to and talk about everything with to having them sliced from your life is
something that never gets easier, no matter how many times it happens to you.
Giving someone your all and having them tell you that you weren't enough, or
that you were too much, can leave you broken in more ways than one. I’m still
healing my heart but with this said I thought it would benefit at least one
person to write about how I have worked on myself over the past few months and
in turn healed.
The first and most important thing is
muting them on social media, or even deleting them if you want to do that. Hide
them from your life, you don’t need to see the things they are doing anymore.
You don't need to see how much their life is still working without you while
you're left broken. Remind yourself that people only share the best parts of
their life on social media, they may be just as hurt as you but it is unlikely
that they would share it online. With having them muted you don't have to see
them and you are able to take steps into bettering yourself without being
concerned about how they are doing.
Having a support system of people that
you can turn to is so important, you are going to feel so lonely without the
person that you loved but remind yourself that there are so so many people who
still love and care for you, even if that one person doesn't anymore. Reach out
to friends and make plans with them, have movie nights, go out for ice cream,
make plans and keep yourself busy. Also remember that there is nothing quite
like the love of your mother, their hugs are powerful.
Listen to music, the great thing about
music is there is something for every single emotion; Lucy Moon described this
best in her albums to get you through your heartbreak video. If you want to sit
and feel sorry for yourself then put on some Keaton Henson or Bon Iver and sob
your heart out. If you want to be angry at someone then put on some Halsey,
Kanye or Blackbear (also Lemonade by Beyonce is a killer album to get
you through all the emotions of heartbreak). An honourable mention goes to
Taylor Swift who's catalogue of music stretches from angry heartbreak to
sitting on your floor wearing their clothes trying to be something they miss,
this woman has it all.
Social events can be great too, but
try to make sure that the person or those that you strongly associate with them
won’t be there. I’ve been to parties where my exes best friend has turned up
and all I’ve wanted to do is sit in a corner crying because it reminded me of
him too much, which as pathetic as it sounds when the heartbreak is raw it can
hurt so much. Get your friends together and go out somewhere, go to gigs,
surround yourself with people that love the same shit as you. I cannot stress
how much going to gigs has helped me grow as a person and get through my
heartaches, they make you forget everything even if it is just for a couple of
hours.
Avoid places that you know they are
going to be, if you take anything from this then please let it be this tip. Don’t
go into their workplace and make things awkward for the both of you, I don't
care if they sell the best toffee lattes at a reasonable price go and find
somewhere else to get your caffeine fix. Maybe even make an agreement where the
two of you will completely avoid each others places of work, at least just for
the time frame of you getting over this.
Start a project, do something that
will keep your mind off the shit thats going on, or use the shit in your mind
to create things. Whatever helps keep you busy and stops you reaching for your
phone at three am when you feel lonely. For me this was my lovers dictionary
series, it helped me to conclude that part of my life as it wasn't properly
concluded for me and once I had finished the project I forced myself to shut
that part of my life out.
Remember that your emotions are valid
and important, don't feel bad for having days where you miss them. Of course
this is going to happen, just remember to talk about your emotions and try your
hardest not to bottle them up. Write them down, call a friend, cry to your mum,
do whatever helps you heal.
Give yourself time, time really does
heal all. It just sometimes takes a hell of a lot longer than you would like
for the healing to begin, which is where the other aspects of this post come
into play. Remember that everyone breaks differently, so everyone heals
differently. There might be ten people that are heartbroken in the same room
but they won’t have experienced the same heartbreak as you. That doesn't make
yours any less valid but it means that you shouldn't compare how they are
coping to how you are coping.
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