F:riends

Fake: i faked a lot of things but one thing i didn't fake was loving you.

Fallible: i couldn't have been the only one of us that was capable of making mistakes, you were just as much in the wrong at times and yet you never apologised.

Feminism: you saw no need for feminism, i guess that should have been a big enough sign in itself that you would be a problematic part of my life.

Fictionalised: maybe our love never really existed, maybe it was purely a work of fiction that i romanticised in my mind to make me feel at ease. 

Fight: i got tired of fighting for you when i realised you wouldn't even bat an eye for me.

Finish: you always seemed to finish first.

Fingerprint: i sometimes wonder if my fingerprint could still unlock your phone.

Fine: maybe if i keep telling myself i’m fine i might start to believe it. i’m (not) fine.

Fire: you loved fire so much you started to play with it, i don't think you realised i was caught up in the flames until it was too late.

Flawless: it was naive of me to ever see anyone as flawless, especially you.

Flannel: i have more flannel shirts than i can count on my left hand, i use them to keep me cozy and warm in the winter or as a protection from the wind in the summer evenings. when i started stealing your hoodies i stopped wearing the flannels, todays the first day i've worn one since returning your things. it feels more homely than your arms did.

Flirt: my mum always taught me to flirt to get what i want from people, to use flirting to my advantage. i never thought that perhaps other people did this too and so the two of us became trapped in a web of half hearted lies and attempts to get each other.

Fluorescent: you looked ridiculous in that bright yellow high visibility jacket you had to wear sometimes, but i still loved you anyway.

Flux: our feelings all eventually change, i just never planned on you changing your mind on the way you did.

Floorboard: i’m not sure whether it was a floorboard or just a creaky part of the bathroom but every time i tried not to wake you at night when i got up to go to the toilet that one part of your bathroom would insist on coming alive. i’m sorry if it woke you at all.  

Foreshadow: maybe the way i saw myself foreshadowed the way that you would eventually end up seeing me.

Formerly: formerly colleagues, formerly friends, formerly best friends, formerly lovers. formerly part of my life. 

Foundations: we rushed when we were laying down the foundations of us and so they eventually inevitably cracked, leaving us with no ground work to fall back on.

Fractionalised: i used to have all your attention, even when you had a girlfriend. i never liked to think about how strange that was, why would you be talking to me when you had her? your love seemed to be fractionalised, you could only give certain amounts of yourself to certain people. when you had me i had all of you, but slowly i started to have fragments of you, fractions of your love. one in two, one in two, one in three. that was my breaking point.

Friends: maybe we were better off as just friends, but the part of me that wanted us to be just friends became a lot smaller when i realised you were falling asleep with someone else in your bed. i guess i left it too late when i told you i wanted to try to be more than just friends again, and i ruined a lot of things in the process.

Fundamentalist: you became my god and i quickly learnt to follow every word of your scripture.