It’s 8:27 on a Monday morning, I’m running late (as always). I’ve been woken up by a family member shouting some obscenity at me about how much I take the piss, telling me I’m a waste of space (as always). The days just begun and already I have been made to feel even more useless and worthless than I already did.
It’s now 8:40 and I’m still lying here in bed, trying to sum up the courage to get up and get on with my day. Maybe it would just be easier if I went back to sleep and avoided it all, at least that way nobody else can have the chance to tell me how much of a letdown I am.
9:16 and I have finally dragged myself out of bed, I know I smell but the idea of getting in the shower is not something I can face right now. I know I should brush my teeth but finding the will power to do it is exhausting. I put on a sweatshirt from the pile of dirty laundry on my floor.
At 9:34 my friend texts asking where I am, I’m late as usual. It takes five minutes to even sum up the courage to hold my phone in my hand and reply to her. ‘Bad day’ is all my reply reads, and she understands. She understands that on these days it takes me a little longer to get my head together enough to live my life the way I usually would.
It’s 9:47 when I finally leave the house, I see my family friends across the road and manage a weak smile in response to their hello. Already a hour late to school it has taken over an hour to sum up the courage to leave the house.
By the time I arrive it’s 10:23, I sit down in the common room and wait for my next class. Everyone around me is chatting and talking about their weekends; I’m sat in a corner, away from my friends. Trying not to burst into tears. Watching people socialise as though it is the easiest thing in the world overwhelms me to no end on days like this.
At 11:30 my classes start, I pick up my things and walk to the classroom. Feeling judgmental eyes on me as I leave, knowing that the people I call my friends will be talking about me as soon as I get to class.
It’s 11:50 and I’ve been in class long enough now to know it is definitely one of those days. I’m sitting there and none of the words from my teacher are going in, nothings going down on my page. There’s just a blank sheet in front of me as I desperately grip my pen, praying that I can get something down this lesson.
Finally the end of the school day comes, 3:15. Not one note has been taken all day, but the ink stains on my hand from grasping my pen so tightly are still visible. At least people will think I did work, even if I didn’t.
4:57 and I’m still not home. The profanities that were yelled at me this morning still fresh in my mind. Maybe I really am a waste of space, perhaps I should just stop letting them down so much. I should probably walk home, it’s getting late now.
By the time 6:04 arrives I’m walking through the front door, my family are at dinner and stop momentarily to look at me as I walk in. It scares me how perfectly they work without me in, I don't belong here. I go to my room and attempt to do the essay we have been set.
7:26, apparently you cant do an essay if you made no notes. I desperately ask my friends for theirs, nobody replies.
8:14 and by this point I’ve spent two hours staring at a blank page. It seems to get scarier each time I look at it. Why is a sheet of paper so terrifying to me?
At 9:02 my phone flashes up, a friend has reached out to me. They want to know how I’m doing, how my day was. I don't reply, it’s much too overwhelming to do. I decide to get into bed.
By 10:00 I have scrolled through social media enough times to know my friends are happily living their lives without me playing a prominent role anymore. This scares me. These are the people who promised I could always reach out to them, perhaps I’ve shut myself off too far this time.
It’s 10:29 and I finally reply to my friends text. She reads but doesn't reply, I guess her offer of friendship has expired.
Somehow its 11:13, I’ve been staring at the ceiling for nearly an hour and praying to every god that I know of to be able to cope. That tomorrow will be better for me. It won’t.
11:49 and I finally get some sleep.
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