V:icarious

Vacant: there was always a look of absence in your eyes, as though you felt like you belonged elsewhere.

Vagaries: your silence ate me alive.

Van-Gogh: ‘most often i am the one offering up some unwanted mess of myself and calling it a gift. on the worst days, to be manic depressive is to stand on ground that can’t promise to stay beneath you. it is to be both violent and victim, both the knife and flesh that welcomed it in. and so often in these poems, in a lovers bed, at my mothers kitchen table i offer up the truth of this illness and watch the people i love pull themselves away from me. i am chaos, i am a barely hidden bar fight and i know exactly how many people believe that makes me impossible to love. there are days i believe it too.’ - Clementine Von Radics, Patron Saint of Manic Depressives

he used to eat yellow paint, not to make himself happy like all those tumblr blogs have decided to romanticise the idea of. but to poison himself, because the chemicals in that paint were slowly rotting his insides away with every particle that he consumed. i guess this is what i have been doing with alcohol and smoking, there are over seventy substances in cigarettes that are known to lead to death and yet i keep inhaling their smoke and inevitably slowly killing myself in turn. when he shot himself it is said that he turned to his brother theo and asked not to be saved because he would only have to try to do it again, this is what i have been saying to those who are desperately trying to save me at this point. the only difference between me and him is that he died after four days of suffering from the bullet wound and i'm still standing four weeks after the bullet hit me.

Vain: i started posting more photos once we were over to remind you of what you lost. it probably just made me look like a vain idiot.

Vibrant: life with you in seemed a little brighter, as though you turned on a light i didn't know existed every time you were present.

Vicarious: to live a half life in constant worry and fear while living through others instead of yourself, really isn't a life at all.

Victim: maybe i should stop playing the victim card and get on with my life, god knows you moved on with yours ridiculously quick.

Victorious: perhaps, after all of this i am the real winner. i am the one who used it all to realise who i was and the worth i hold.

Video: sometimes when i really miss your voice i go back and watch your youtube videos, they're a comforting reminder of who you were.

Violent: i’m not usually one for violence but i would happily slap you round the face if i could reach.

Virtue: listening to me as i cried down the phone and holding me as i sobbed at 2am seemed to be when you showed me how patient and loving you could be. 

Virtual: real life isn't one of those fucking video games you are so obsessed with, stop acting like you can control everyone with the push of a button.

Visual: i saw it all, don't even try and deny you didn't do it when we both know full well you did. you cant pull a trigger and act as though someone else shot you when you were the only goddamn person in the room that was there to do it.

Voice: and i can’t help but wonder why your voice didn't even break as you said those words, mine did as i tried to speak afterwards. perhaps breaking peoples hearts is a second nature for you, or perhaps you had ben rehearsing your lines long before you put them on stage.

Voice-Mail: i keep the one you left me, just incase i ever feel a need to remember what it was like to have someone love me in the way you did.

Void: since it ended there has been a void in my stomach eating me alive, making me feel emptier by the day. i’m not sure how to fill it, i’ve tried writing and books, i’ve tried smoking and drinking, i’ve tried friends but nobody means quite as much to me as you.

Voluble: whenever you felt awkward you would start talking, saying abundances of things that nobody cared for but listened to anyway. in the end if began to feel like background noise, a comforting buzzing sound that would eventually be shut off as i pressed my lips to yours.