G:ravity

April 29, 2017



Game: is that all you see love to be?

Genuine: i cant stop myself from reading our conversations back and questioning what was genuine and when you started lying to both yourself and i about your feelings towards me.

Ghost: even after you left your presence carried on haunting me. much like cathy’s ghost haunted heathcliff in wuthering heights.

Glass: i think you forgot how fragile i was when you started to trample all over me and then questioned why you had shards of glass in your feet. it was my defence mechanism for how you were hurting me.

Glazed: when i looked in your eyes for a sense of safety and reassurance all i was met with was a glassy stare like one of those horrifying china dolls that my nan keeps in her hallway.

Glimmer: i was clinging onto anything, a tiny speck or glimmer of hope that you cared was all i needed. 

Gnaw: i could only ignore things so many times before they started to gnaw away at my mind and eat me alive. i was deadbeat before i even left you.

Godzilla: i wrote a poem about him once, it was about you too. i compared the green of his skin to the green of your eyes. i realised you both destroyed everything in your path.

Goodbye: moments after saying goodbye to you i would always message you, there was a day when i didn't and you got worried that something was wrong. then came the days when you stopped replying to my messages after i said goodbye. thats when i started to worry that something was wrong. 

Gossip: people always gossip, they never have anything better to do really.

Grammar: i always insisted on perfect grammar and you would just roll your eyes and laugh at me. it was only when i was drunk that you would use this against me, or in our argument about how you weren't there as i tried to end my life. 

Gravity: everything gets pulled back gown to earth eventually, even when i didn't notice i had my head in the clouds i still felt the force of being pulled back down to earth. i still felt the force of the trauma you had left in your wake.

Grow: thank you for helping me grow as a person.

Guitar: everyone seems to know my type is a guitarists, i remember when my friend told me i should take a break from them and so i messaged you jokingly saying i couldn't talk to you anymore. you said you would change your instrument to be able to talk to me still. i miss our friendship.

Gum: you chewed me up and spat me out like a piece of gum on the street.


Gymnast: maybe if i had been more flexible i would have been able to bend over backwards at your every word like you had wanted me to.

F:riends

April 28, 2017



Fake: i faked a lot of things but one thing i didn't fake was loving you.

Fallible: i couldn't have been the only one of us that was capable of making mistakes, you were just as much in the wrong at times and yet you never apologised.

Feminism: you saw no need for feminism, i guess that should have been a big enough sign in itself that you would be a problematic part of my life.

Fictionalised: maybe our love never really existed, maybe it was purely a work of fiction that i romanticised in my mind to make me feel at ease. 

Fight: i got tired of fighting for you when i realised you wouldn't even bat an eye for me.

Finish: you always seemed to finish first.

Fingerprint: i sometimes wonder if my fingerprint could still unlock your phone.

Fine: maybe if i keep telling myself i’m fine i might start to believe it. i’m (not) fine.

Fire: you loved fire so much you started to play with it, i don't think you realised i was caught up in the flames until it was too late.

Flawless: it was naive of me to ever see anyone as flawless, especially you.

Flannel: i have more flannel shirts than i can count on my left hand, i use them to keep me cozy and warm in the winter or as a protection from the wind in the summer evenings. when i started stealing your hoodies i stopped wearing the flannels, todays the first day i've worn one since returning your things. it feels more homely than your arms did.

Flirt: my mum always taught me to flirt to get what i want from people, to use flirting to my advantage. i never thought that perhaps other people did this too and so the two of us became trapped in a web of half hearted lies and attempts to get each other.

Fluorescent: you looked ridiculous in that bright yellow high visibility jacket you had to wear sometimes, but i still loved you anyway.

Flux: our feelings all eventually change, i just never planned on you changing your mind on the way you did.

Floorboard: i’m not sure whether it was a floorboard or just a creaky part of the bathroom but every time i tried not to wake you at night when i got up to go to the toilet that one part of your bathroom would insist on coming alive. i’m sorry if it woke you at all.  

Foreshadow: maybe the way i saw myself foreshadowed the way that you would eventually end up seeing me.

Formerly: formerly colleagues, formerly friends, formerly best friends, formerly lovers. formerly part of my life. 

Foundations: we rushed when we were laying down the foundations of us and so they eventually inevitably cracked, leaving us with no ground work to fall back on.

Fractionalised: i used to have all your attention, even when you had a girlfriend. i never liked to think about how strange that was, why would you be talking to me when you had her? your love seemed to be fractionalised, you could only give certain amounts of yourself to certain people. when you had me i had all of you, but slowly i started to have fragments of you, fractions of your love. one in two, one in two, one in three. that was my breaking point.

Friends: maybe we were better off as just friends, but the part of me that wanted us to be just friends became a lot smaller when i realised you were falling asleep with someone else in your bed. i guess i left it too late when i told you i wanted to try to be more than just friends again, and i ruined a lot of things in the process.


Fundamentalist: you became my god and i quickly learnt to follow every word of your scripture.

E:arthquake

April 25, 2017



Earthquake: nobody else felt the ground shaking in our final argument but that could be the only explanation for the way that my whole body was quivering. the world i knew had come to an end.

Embarrassingly: embarrassingly enough i thought you loved me enough not to go behind my back the way you did.

Embroidery: you kept one of my many embroidered tops when it came to returning my things, perhaps you thought i had enough and that i wouldn't miss one. the thing is the foo fighters were one of the only things i really shared with you and since you kept that top its as though you kept a part of me.

Emotional: i feel as though i had enough emotions for the both of us, you were closed off and i was a fountain of tears almost once a week.

Empty: now all i have left is an empty heart and ideas of what should have been.

Enough: no matter how hard i tried, no matter how much of myself i gave you, no matter how much you took from me. i was never enough. i guess thats why you began looking for more in other places and other girls.

End: endings surround us constantly, i just hoped ours would have been a bit more beautiful than it was.

Ellipsis: as we ended there were more points of silence between us than there were conversations.

Essay: our love story is as unwritten and the essays that i had been procrastinating just so i could spend more time with you.

Explanation: any reason to leave someone is a valid reason, but it felt as though you left without explanation. can you please just answer my questions and help me understand why i wasn't enough for you.

Explosions: when you kissed me the stars seemed to explode.

Extrovert: sometimes i wish you were more extroverted than introverted, it would have been nice to know what you were feeling for once.

Eulogy: there was nobody i would have rather had eulogise me, i often wondered what you would have said at my funeral if i had succeeded in killing myself that night. perhaps you wouldn't have even gone. who knows.


Evoke: every now and then i will find something that reminds me of who you were and just like that an ocean of emotions arrives. 

D:istance

April 24, 2017



Dancing: i hated dancing, but for you i did it. i would have done anything for you.

Danger: there’s no warning signs for falling in love, you tend to forget your hearts in danger as you do it.

Depression: i’m sorry that my illness became more of who i am than who i wasn’t. it took over. maybe that’s why you couldn't love me.

Death: i think about dying almost as much as i think about you.

Demons: everyone has their demons, mine chase me and keep me up at night. but now they're starting to look like you.

Dependancy: i become dependant upon anyone that tells me they care, i guess this is my hamartia as i should take more notice about how they act instead of what they say.

Deprivation: you deprived me of your love.

Diagnose: i diagnosed myself with heartbreak long before i summoned up the will power to walk away.

Difficult: this must have been how it felt to love me. i’m sorry.

Disposable: as a photography student i loved disposable cameras, the novelty of them was so intriguing. perhaps you saw me in this way, i was a novelty that eventually ran out and had to be disposed of. but when these cameras are disposed of pretty photos and memories seem to come from them, when i am disposed of heartbreak and writing comes from me.

Distance: they say distance makes the heart grow fonder but all it did was make mine grow weaker.

Disinfectant: you infected me and i tried everything to remove all traces of you from my skin. i’ve sprayed disinfectant over the things you touched in a desperate attempt to get you out of my life.

Divide: i didn't like ed’s new album, you loved it. for you i learnt to love it too.

Divorce: i remember arguing with you in the middle of a shop and telling you i was going to divorce you, you responded that we weren't even married and i said i would marry you just so i could divorce you. we technically weren’t even together.

Doppelgänger: everyone i fall for seems to have to reach the same criteria, they seem to have to have the exact same elements within their personality as their predecessor. tall, plays guitar, ends up being a jerk. you know, that kind of thing.

Drake: i never understood why you didn't like his music, i love it. much like i never understood why you didn't like yourself, i loved you.

Driving: i always loved sitting in the passenger side of your car as we drove around. i loved being able to look to my right and see you there, sometimes you would catch me staring at you and smile. in those moments i felt at home.

Drummer: maybe i should stop falling for guitarists and go for drummers.

Dust: the memories of us are collecting dust, much like the journal i filled in the wake of you leaving.


Duvet: i’m sorry i always took all the covers but when you slept with your back to me i had to have something to hug.

C:areless

April 21, 2017



Caffeine: the caffeine never affected you but when it came to me i would still be up at three am writing you love letters. maybe the caffeine was a metaphor for our love.

Call: everyday i would call you as soon as i got home from school or work and we would talk until we fell asleep at night, how we had enough to talk about to constantly fill those hours for months on end is beyond me but i had never felt that comfortable around anyone. now seeing your name flash up on the caller id is a rarity, but it’s still nice nonetheless.

Careless: i’ve been looking for a word that describes the way you handled my heart for a while, i think this one works well.

Chain-smoke: i chain-smoke in the way i demand affection. sometimes not at all but more often than not lots of it, all at once. making me lightheaded and sane at the same time. even if just for a little while.

Channel: we could never decide on what to watch, like you could never decide what you wanted.

Child: ‘talking to you makes me feel like a kid’ was something you said once which i decided to take in the positive manner. maybe thats why you left in such an immature manner instead of acting like the 19 year old you are. 

Circles: every road lead back to you.

Communication: with a lack of communication theres not much anyone can achieve. we met our limit and felt the strain.

Complete: thats how i felt when i was with you.

Concerts: you always laughed at the amount of concerts i went to but when i told you why you stopped laughing. you understood and always asked how the show was, even if you didn't have a clue who the band i had been to see were.

Construction: i am still under construction, you set that back when you broke me. but one day i will be the strongest person i know. 

Controlling: i’m sorry you saw me this way.

Cold: your attempt at loving me was as cold as your hands that day we visited the seaside.

Crazy: you made me feel crazy for thinking you were talking to other girls. i guess you were just manipulating me.


Crying: i didn't cry when i found out, i didn't cry when you left, i still haven't properly cried. does this make me less of a human?

B:elong

April 16, 2017



Background: when we were together everything else around us felt like background noise. i’m not sure what point i became part of the background noise for you too but eventually you stopped paying attention to me. like i stopped paying attention to the world when i was with you.

Backtrack: i need to stop reading our old messages but i cant help myself backtracking to the last time you said you love me and the last heart you sent me. i can’t help thinking back to our last kiss and the way you seemed so sad behind it, or perhaps you were just tired. tired of me and my mess of an excuse of love. 

Beautiful: then came the day you stopped calling me beautiful.

Belong: you made me feel as though i was a part of something, as though i belonged on this earth. now i’m questioning whether i really do.

Belongings: returning your belongings and having to face you one last time breaks me to think about. i don't think i’m quite ready to part with the oversized sweater i made a home in or your foo fighters top i always slept in.

Better: you told me to go to the doctors and that i would get better but ever since that appointment my life seems to have fallen apart even more. you told me you would be there for me through getting better but ever since that appointment you felt more distant than ever.

Before: before you i didn't believe in love, but you taught me that i was loveable despite my depression. im sorry i got too much and too hard to love, i understand why you left. but thank you for teaching me that i am loveable.

Bible: i never believed in religion but when you held me in your arms i made sure to thank god for putting you on the earth. when you spoke it sounded like words of a bible verse, no matter how unholy the words that left your mouth were.

Biffy Clyro: i don’t even know if this counts as a word - but this is my lovers dictionary and i am going to fucking put in whatever i want. since you left i started listening to them much more than before. they really are a great band. 

Bisexual: do not erase my sexuality just because i am with a man. it does not make me straight.

Blank: i told you that you were my everything and all i was met with was a blank stare and a half hearted smile. thats when i knew you didn't love me anymore.

Blame: i could blame you for breaking my heart, i could blame you for the way you acted but at the end of the day i am just as much to blame. maybe thats why you never took the blame for anything, maybe everything was my fault somehow. 

Blemish: you left blemishes and marks all over my body. you said you were marking what was yours. but how is it fair that i was yours and you weren't mine no matter how many marks i gave you?

Bloom: i need to see you leaving as a chance for me to bloom on my own - but even flowers need help with growing from the sun.

Burden: you told me to talk to you whenever something was wrong and so i did, but when you became what was wrong i felt more like a burden than a lover.


Bus: i stopped getting this bus and started walking to your flat when i realised i could get there quicker that way and that it also gave me time to chain-smoke along the way.

A:lways

April 12, 2017




Abstract: your definition of love was a strange one, almost as abstract as a picasso.

Abyss: there are times when i realise how much you’ve taken from me, how much of an abyss you've left in my heart and the dark hole that has been left behind. i’ve wasted so much time on you, so much energy.

Advent: every day i would send you a photo of my chocolate as you were too lazy to buy yourself a calendar, its strange how rituals begin but once it started i couldn't miss a day. at least i had an excuse to talk to you then. sometimes i wish it was still advent so i could have a reason to talk to you everyday.

Album: you never liked that blink-182 album you had in your car and yet i always made you listen to it on repeat. to begin with i would be the only one singing along but a month down the line you were too. as you got tired of listening to it you changed and so did the way you acted around me.

Alcohol: i started drinking more as you started caring less, you always hated me being drunk. but aren't you a bit of a hypocrite considering thats how we had our first kiss, and our last.

Alone: the way you left me said more about you than it did me. the way i dealt with being alone said more about how used to it i already was than the way i felt about you. 

Always: this isn't a word that you should use lightly, because when i said i would always love you i meant that there was a piece of me that would love you long after we parted. 

Amend: i tried to fix our issues but when only one person wants to solve them a half hearted stitch job is all that occurs. i tried to say sorry for my mistakes but when you wont own up to yours, things are impossible.

Ambiguous: nothing about you was ever certain, we never had a title and we were both left unsure where we stood with each other. the only thing that wasn't ambiguous about you was the way you left me.

Antagonist: i’m not sure which one of us became the antagonists in each others stories first but we both ended up creating more harm than good for each other.

Anthem: i remember realising 102 was our song and the 1975 was our band in the second time i even spoke to you. i remember the importance it would hold to me and the love i would feel with these songs and this band and it was wonderful. i remember asking you to sing it again and again and finding a home in your voice - i loved you and that song, and that band.  

Anticlockwise: sometimes i find myself looking back on things so much it feels as though i'm going back in time, how am i supposed to move forward when my heart is stuck in what we used to be.

Antiperspirant: i keep trying to cover the scent of you and yet it seems to get stronger with every spray of the can.

Apologetic: i was always the one saying sorry, even when you had been in the wrong. i was so desperate to keep you in my life that i would say sorry a million times over. i probably still would if it meant it would bring you back. 

Argue: we never did it to start with, you were my best friend and best friends don't do that. but you developed a tangled web of untruths and broke me which lead to drunken nights and arguments. nothing was ever resolved and i was always undoubtedly the one in the wrong. no matter what. maybe if you took some of the blame then we wouldn't be so broken.

Armour: i wasn't even done polishing my shield from our last battle and yet you began hitting me with more and more cruel words.

Audition: nobody met the cut before you and yet as soon as you came along i understood why nothing worked out with anyone else.


August: although you had known me for months before it was the august that you decided to start playing a prominent role in my life. it was the august that i would wait up until midnight just to be able to talk to you for a few hours. the august that changed things for me.

Refresh

April 11, 2017





I've been to hell and back in the past month or so. I'm not going into details about it, that is my personal life. But I have decided to use what I've experienced to reinvent my blog, I've deleted a lot of my old posts which I'm not happy with and I'm going to be creating a new series of posts.

Inspired by David Levithan's 'Lovers Diction' I want to create my own story through dictionary style definitions of the way love and friendships have affected me. Each blog post will be based around a different letter and have around 25 words and definitions in, this is my way of healing a broken heart and I hope that you are able to feel a sense of familiarity or at least enjoy this.

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